Obstacles to Women's Pursuit of Higher Education: a talk on education and gender

I recently attended a symposium to talk about gender and education. Below are parts of my talk. This weekend, I hope to write a little blog post about some of the things I learned (depressing!!) about women in academia, in the workforce, in education, in leadership roles, and so on.

To illustrate my main point of this talk, I’m going to start off with a personal story and experience. And my point will be regarding what I believe is one of the most threatening obstacles to women’s education and success—to their achieving their dreams and doing it while having the love and support of their families and communities. Mostly, I'll try to address the double standards with which we raise our children when they are young but aren't sure what to do when they grow up and enter real life - be it by entering the work market or higher education or otherwise attempting to pursue their dreams.

On Love, Betrayal, and False Promises of Marriage - a Pukhtun man and a British woman

One of the greatest things about blogging is that you reach people from worlds completely unknown to you, and some of them reach out to you, share their stories with you, and touch and move you in ways you never imagined possible. Below is a story that a reader—let’s call her Melissa—shared with me, and I’m sharing it with her permission. Melissa is a British convert to Islam living in London, and the story she shares is one of her relationship with a Pashtun man who, despite having a child with her, lied to her about his real self and the fact that he was married “back home,” and whose family later denied any ties to Melissa’s daughter. She reflects on that experience and her feelings for the man, and she struggles, as can be seen in the email, to still respect and understand him, to see his situation from his perspective so that she can find peace for herself and her daughter. We exchanged a couple of more emails, going back and forth about our personal thoughts on Pashtunwali, Pashtuns, Pashtun men, love/relationships, and so on. I might share parts of those as well. For now, this should suffice.

I’ve changed her name and the names of those involved per her request and for privacy reasons. I’ve also removed parts of the email that I don’t think the readers need to know (blush, but I feel uneasy publicizing positive comments about myself and my blog J Thank you so much, though, Melissa!)

Before I share the story, though, let me say something else.

This is a very common story I hear - a Pukhtun man dating and having kids with a non-Pukhtun woman, promising marriage and the world to her, and then saying, "Sorry - I'm married back home" or "Sorry, I promised my mother on her death-bed that I'll marry the cousin she wanted me to marry. I can't marry you. But we can continue this relationship!" (This is so common!!! That's what the woman in this story below gets told as well by her Pukhtun lover.) Some Pukhtun men do it to Pukhtun women, too. Oh, for Pukhtun women, it's often: "Well, if you'd date ME, you've obviously dated other men before me and will prolly date more men in the future! So goodbye. Or we can just have a relationship with no promises of marriage." Or something that I, a Pukhtun woman blogger who's considered "public property" (what the hell?) get told: "I want an intellectual wife. My current wife is not educated or doesn't have time to have discussions with me because she's busy with kids and all." My response to them is then, "So educate her, damnit!" And they go, "What? Why? Then who'll cook for me and clean after me and serve me and take care of my kids and have my kids?"

It's wrong whether a Pukhtun woman or a non-Pukhtun is involved. So much for the whole "All Pukhtuns are loyal" crap. (I know, I know - it's never all, and this is generalizing, but I really don't care. I've seen and know of too many cases to believe Pukhtuns are any more loyal or better than other races out there.)

And before anyone else jumps to say, "Oh, please! It's not like only Pukhtun men cheat and sleep around or are unhappy with their wives," or "Stop generalizing!" I know it's not just Pukhtun men, and I know it's just as common among other ethnic groups. But that's not the point, and evading the conversation with "Stop generalizing" and "it's not just Pukhtuns" doesn't help anyone and changes the focus. In other words, what such comments are implying is: Let's ONLY talk about problems and things that only Pukhtuns do. ... why? And if there's no such thing as something that only Pukhtuns do, how do we talk about problems like the one below? That said, Pukhtuns are humans - that means nothing they do is so starkly unique that other humans don't share it with them or don't experience or indulge in as well.
 

Kashmala Videos, Audios, and Pictures!

I promised in a previous post that I've been listening to recordings I made a couple of years ago of Kashmala's. It turns out that I've some of them on Youtube, so here goes. She loves telling stories, she loves attention (I don't think she does anymore, though), and she once upon a time loved having pictures taken of herself. Now she doesn't so much. I'm missing her a LOT these days, and I can't wait to see her, inshaAllah, in about 15 days or so :) She calls me several times a day, asking me to pleeeeease come. Also, she speaks more English now than she did a couple of years ago. When she was little, we tried not to speak English around her and not to let her speak English - Pashto only. But it's becoming harder and harder, so. Also, she was started to lose all sense of confidence in herself because she couldn't speak English when we didn't let her learn or speak any, and it started to make her feel small and little around other people, so we decided to teach her enough to have some confidence around other people.

Why I Don't Go to Halaqas - aka, what's wrong with the way conversion stories are told

And this is *precisely* why I don't go to halaqas and feel extremely uncomfortable there [halaqas are religious gatherings among Muslims. On campus, it's usually a speaker who comes and talks about an Islamic topic. The purpose is to help strengthen the audience's faith]:

 
Yesterday, I decided to go (and I don't often go but thought, meh, let's give it one more chance). The MSA had invited a speaker to talk about her conversion story. She's a neuroscience professor at a university and a former Irish Catholic who converted several decades ago - you know your religion is correct when a white person, especially if a scientist, converts to it; you know the other religion is wrong if it doesn't "make sense" to the white scientist. Thank God for these white converts - what'd we ever do without them, right?

Singing Pashto songs at an ensemble next week, inshaAllah!

I started the last entry to tell you guys about two good news. The first one was that I'm going to Oman this summer and that my parents have given their blessings for me to do so (may God grant them infinite happiness, good health, and peace - aameen!). I'll be going to continue my Arabic study.

The second one, I didn't get to tell y'all, cuz, you know ... I had lots to say on the first one.

Waiting, waiting, and more waiting & other updates

Too many of my days recently have been my waiting for a break ... an opportunity ... a moment to just take a breather. And frankly, I'm tired of it. So no more waiting and more doing instead!

Time management. And stuff.

I haven't been blogging lately because this semester, I've stupidly volunteered myself up for more responsibilities than I can actually handle. Note to self: NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, QRRATUGIYA!! So I'm sorry, blog. I still think about you all the time, though. Every night before I sleep, I tell myself to just write a paragraph of what it's been like the last month or so, but then I find myself hopping into bed and sleeping within minutes. Well, not at always, though, beeeeecuzzzz ... I think about all the things that need to get done the next day. And you know what's stupidly funny? I've so much to do I don't know where to begin so I end up sleeping more to avoid having to do them.

But last week, I discovered a trick: I have to stop thinking in numbers and just see each task as one individual separate task that has to be done. I did this with a couple of things this week, and I got them done surprisingly fast. So the change? Here:

I've lost my grandpa - on death, loss, and guilt

May he rest in peace. 

I've lost my grandpa. He's gone. This beautiful man with a beautiful heart and beautiful service to society is now gone. He was 85 years old, in good health (until the day he felt something wrong and went for a check up and ... well, things went downhill from there, and he passed away while unconscious during/after a surgery), and despite having retired many years ago, he attended a school where he used to teach before because he loved the company, he loved the environment, and he loved the idea of being in the sacredness of an educational institution. The school knew him well, and many of his former students were teachers there now (whom he used to greet/salute with two hands instead of just the right hand, and that meant so much to them ...), and he had a lot of respect there. He said he didn't do it for the money but just to pass some time. He'd walk halfway through and refused to let anyone drive him because he said he needed and enjoyed the exercise. 

From "The Thrival Room": Interfaith Marriage for Muslim Women, the Unavailable Husband, and Kafa'a

Recently, a fabulous group of Muslim Americans launched a fabulous website called The Thrival Rom. There aren't that many Muslim spaces out there that are open to diverse, controversial, non-orthodox, and non-conventional perspectives, so I'm deeply grateful to the Thrival team for not just sharing my voice there but welcome and encouraging it as well. I wish the team and the website much success! May it go far and wide, and may it benefit Muslims and the rest of humanity everywhere. Aameen.

 

I'll write another blog introducing the website and copying/pasting their "About Me" section, but for now, here's an important message from them: The website is literally, "Your eye into Muslim America. The reality of the world is that there will always be two things that inform opinions – the way things should be and the way things are.There are plenty of websites focused on the way things should be by trying to bring the message of Islam to the world. This website focuses on the way things are for Muslims and telling it like it is." 

 

Today, I hosted my first party ever!

I love people, I love being around my friends and other good people, and I love my friends. Today (Friday, February 28, 2014), I hosted the party of two incredibly special friends. I have some of the most amazing conversations with them, and we often talk about gender-related issues. So I decided to go all satirical on them and make the decorations ... well, princessy. Everything was pink, including some of the colors of the cake, and even the cake's message was "Happy Birthday, Princess I. and Princess P" (their full names were on the cake, but these are their initals). hahahaha. They totally got it, as did the guests, and we had a fabulous time and great laughter. Alhamdulillah for love, happiness, good friends, and the whole idea of parties!

How to Make Kakoorri, Ranzokhey, and Raghwani (Recipe) and plain bread or roti - with pictures

The other day, when I wrote about kakoorri (singular: kakorray), which are traditional fried bread  that Pashtuns are crazy about and that my mom makes me every time I visit her and return home, lots of people asked me to give them the recipe. So my mom was gracious enough to make me some more today for me to take pictures of and to write out the recipe in detail while observing.

In the comments to the post, Pashtuns from Khuram call them Ranzokhey, Pashtuns from Waziristan call them Raghwani; and Pashtuns from Dera Ismail Khan, Swabi, Swat, and Peshawar call them kakorri. Hence the title of this post. Do let me know if it turns out that kakorri aren't the same thing as the ones above, ha!

Please understand, though, that it's really hard to give exact measurements for things (like sugar, salt, yeast, etc.) because it really all depends on your taste and because we don't really use measurements. hah. I just ... "know" ... when something's not enough. That sucks, I know, but, yeah.

But please do feel to ask if something looks confusing or if something just doesn't seem right, or if something's not explained properly.  I know exactly how frustrating it can be when a recipe doesn't explain every step properly and in detail.

P.S. From the post below, you'll not just learn how to make kakorri, but you'll also learn how to make Pakistani bread (roti, naan, dodai)!

Punjabi-Pashtun and Pashtun-Punjabi Racism and Hatred in Pakistan

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Thank you!

Punjabi-Pashtun and Pashtun-Punjabi Racism and Hatred in Pakistan