One of the
greatest things about blogging is that you reach people from worlds completely
unknown to you, and some of them reach out to you, share their stories with
you, and touch and move you in ways you never imagined possible. Below is a
story that a reader—let’s call her Melissa—shared with me, and I’m sharing it
with her permission. Melissa is a British convert to Islam living in London,
and the story she shares is one of her relationship with a Pashtun man who,
despite having a child with her, lied to her about his real self and the fact
that he was married “back home,” and whose family later denied any ties to
Melissa’s daughter. She reflects on that experience and her feelings for the
man, and she struggles, as can be seen in the email, to still respect and
understand him, to see his situation from his perspective so that she can find
peace for herself and her daughter. We exchanged a couple of more emails, going
back and forth about our personal thoughts on Pashtunwali, Pashtuns, Pashtun
men, love/relationships, and so on. I might share parts of those as well. For
now, this should suffice.
I’ve changed her name and the names of those involved per her request and for
privacy reasons. I’ve also removed parts of the email that I don’t think the
readers need to know (blush, but I feel uneasy publicizing positive comments
about myself and my blog J Thank you so much, though, Melissa!)
Before I share the story, though, let me say something else.
This is a very common story I hear - a Pukhtun man dating and having kids with a non-Pukhtun woman, promising marriage and the world to her, and then saying, "Sorry - I'm married back home" or "Sorry, I promised my mother on her death-bed that I'll marry the cousin she wanted me to marry. I can't marry you. But we can continue this relationship!" (This is so common!!! That's what the woman in this story below gets told as well by her Pukhtun lover.) Some Pukhtun men do it to Pukhtun women, too. Oh, for Pukhtun women, it's often: "Well, if you'd date ME, you've obviously dated other men before me and will prolly date more men in the future! So goodbye. Or we can just have a relationship with no promises of marriage." Or something that I, a Pukhtun woman blogger who's considered "public property" (what the hell?) get told: "I want an intellectual wife. My current wife is not educated or doesn't have time to have discussions with me because she's busy with kids and all." My response to them is then, "So educate her, damnit!" And they go, "What? Why? Then who'll cook for me and clean after me and serve me and take care of my kids and have my kids?"
It's wrong whether a Pukhtun woman or a non-Pukhtun is involved. So much for the whole "All Pukhtuns are loyal" crap. (I know, I know - it's never all, and this is generalizing, but I really don't care. I've seen and know of too many cases to believe Pukhtuns are any more loyal or better than other races out there.)
And before anyone else jumps to say, "Oh, please! It's not like only Pukhtun men cheat and sleep around or are unhappy with their wives," or "Stop generalizing!" I know it's not just Pukhtun men, and I know it's just as common among other ethnic groups. But that's not the point, and evading the conversation with "Stop generalizing" and "it's not just Pukhtuns" doesn't help anyone and changes the focus. In other words, what such comments are implying is: Let's ONLY talk about problems and things that only Pukhtuns do. ... why? And if there's no such thing as something that only Pukhtuns do, how do we talk about problems like the one below? That said, Pukhtuns are humans - that means nothing they do is so starkly unique that other humans don't share it with them or don't experience or indulge in as well.
