I envy people who believe in a loving, merciful God.

I got the idea for the below post from a friend who's going through a rough time in her life right now and who, too, was raised being taught only about a mean, judgmental god to whom she finds it hard to turn in times of need.

Sure, all except one of the 114 chapters of the Qur'an begins with the phrase "In the name of God, the most merciful, most beneficent," but that's not the same God I grew up being forced to believe in. But I envy anyone who does believe in that God. I need a loving God. I'm sick and tired of the mean one. And I'm sick and tired of anyone who talks to me about the mean one. Go to hell - you know who you are, you so-called "god-fearing" hypocrites and meanies.

This is what happens when the first things we teach our kids are about what sins not to commit or what's sinful and what's not or don't do this and don't do that. Or that "God is watching you." Or "God will punish you." Screw you and that god of yours. No one ever taught me that God was actually very loving and merciful.  

The God I grew up to is a mean, evil, arrogant, vicious being who finds fault with every little thing a he gave human the power to do and think. I grew up learning about a God who I am to fear and fear only. He wasn't (and still isn't) worth loving because he doesn't love his creations; he only judges--and judges meanly so--and he punishes. So harshly. And he punishes women more than he punishes men, though. He cares about whether or not a woman's hair is covered, whether someone prayed a certain way a certain times a day or not in a certain direction and in what language, what time people open and break their fast, and so on. Things that are relevant to only a small portion of the human population.

But I know people who believe in a Loving God. In a God who truly, sincerely loves those whom He has created. And I want to love and believe in that God. It's just, I really don't know how to because I've spent the last 27 years of my life fearing the vicious god everyone around me believes me. My friends talk about a little god who punishes people for eating Doritos and gummy bears and gummy worms because they have gelatin in them and gelatin have pork in them, they say, and anything with even an atom of pork in it is forbidden, they say. I pity these people and anyone who believes like them. Other friends attempt to instill fear in my mind of a petty god who punishes women but not men for a lot of things--like leading gender-mixed prayers, showing hair or skin (arms, legs, tummy, cleavage, neck, etc.), marrying non-Muslim men. These same people focus incessantly on the obligations of women (as they understand them) but not as much on the obligations of men (as they understand them), and so everyone ends up judging women, hating women, controlling women, immobilizing women. This little god is so obsessed with the female sexuality and the female body that he forgets about the actual problems of the world--like genocides, wars, rape, murder, pedophilia, theft, human sacrifices, female infanticides, breast ironing, child-brides, and so on.

I'm sick of those people and I'm sick of that little god who has given them any reason to believe that.

This god is little more than what we call "bao" in Pashto. (Bao = a monster). But I'm in need of love from the One who created me, so that god has failed me. Completely. I want a loving, merciful, kind, loving God who actually gives a damn about me and my being and doesn't define me by the sins that have accompanied me all of my life. If the God you believe in is a loving God, consider yourself lucky! Because it's extremely hard to find way to that loving God once you have been fooled all your life into fearing a god totally opposite of that. 

Believing in a merciful God makes it really easy to turn to Him in time of need and hardship. It makes it easy to pray to Him. The god I grew up with is too mean for me to love enough to turn to him when I need him and when I feel like praying. 'Cause he's gonna judge me, he's gonna punish me, he's gonna blame me. He won't understand me, take my situation or circumstances or reasons into consideration, respect me, take my side, help me.

And so I envy anyone who believes in a God who's far bigger than these people and their insecurities and judgments and bigotry and narrowness, a God who's much bigger than the rules that he's apparently obsessed with, a God who is too Great to be offended by my showing my hair or skin or leading men in prayer or marrying a non-Muslim man or talking to men or traveling without a male chaperone and so on.

I hope to one day soon reach a stage at which I'll finally develop a relationship the merciful, loving, kind God I want to believe in and that i need to believe in for my own sanity's sake.