This article is originally titled "Interracial Marriages, Pashtun Women, and Patriarchy" and was first published with Pashtun Women Viewpoint. It was re-published on Safe World for Women, and I'm grateful to both of these sites for offering space to any of my articles.
The whole discussion on Pashtun women's marriage to non-Pashtun men falls under the series of Pashtun Marriages I've initiated on my blog.
Most
cultures around the world, being patriarchal and patrilineal, uphold
the thinking that identity is passed down from the father to a child,
not from the mother. The mother’s identity is thus completely overlooked
while the father’s identity is favored, a practice demonstrated in
multiple ways. Needless to say, this mindset contradicts biology, since
the children’s identity is half that of the mother’s and half the
father’s; the mindset is thus rooted in a certain discriminatory
attitude towards women, a sort of contempt for them and their being.
Such cultures also expect their women to abandon their own identities
and adopt their husbands’ by taking the husband’s last name. Contrary to
what one might assume, a name is a powerful identification marker, and
the name-change is thus a symbolic process—if it is not, then why is the
change necessary at all?
Historically,
also, most cultures have deemed the female incapable of making her own
decisions, and she is thus placed under the supervision of others,
almost always a male figure. While there is nothing “natural” about this
quality that has been attributed to her, society came to purport that
the female is “naturally” weak and must be protected. A consequence of
her “weakness,” many societies still continue to teach us, is that she
may easily fall prey to the harms of the “outside world” and the
“outsider(s).” These “outsiders” are often people who do not belong to
the female’s race or ethnicity. As such, the woman must not be permitted
to marry any “outsiders.” But not all “outsiders” are “harmful” to
women, so can she marry the outsider who appears harmless? The idea then
changes here: if she does marry an outsider, then her children will
also be outsiders—because the identity of the children is the same as
that of their father’s regardless of their mother’s. In simpler words,
the woman’s—the mother’s—identity is completely worthless, despite the
critical roles she plays in the upbringing of her children, including
passing on her language and culture to them, in patriarchal societies.
The Pashtun culture is unfortunately not exempt from the above thinking, and in the 21st
century, if not before as well, this is an injustice to those who
consider it a necessary option. As the number of Pashtun women marrying
“outsiders”—i.e., non-Pashtuns—increases, especially among Pashtuns in
the West and in other communities with significantly small populations
of Pashtuns, more and more women become subjected to the derision of
those who believe in the superiority of the Pashtun race, an invisible
superiority that is apparently marked solely by endogamous marriages and
obscured by exogamous ones. In essence, however, the derision is not
due to the false claim that the Pashtun woman’s children will not be
Pashtun: it is because the Pashtun woman had the audacity to cross the
boundaries to which she, like the women of many other cultures, has
historically been confined. She simply made a decision for herself that
contravened the low opinion that much of the rest of society has—had—of
her.
The
disgust towards Pashtun women who choose to marry non-Pashtun men is
actively displayed in virtual Pashtun communities, where these ladies
are incessantly condemned for their choices. The idea is clear and
specific: Pashtun women should not be marrying non-Pashtuns regardless
of their choice; their marriage to such men is an affront to the Pashtun
man, who is the obviously perfect match for any Pashtun
woman—regardless of her preferences, expectations, standards, and
choice. Women are therefore not expected to possess any agency
whatsoever, any power, over their own lives, and the moment they do
that, especially in the case of marriage, they are denied their Pashtun
identity and are accused of hating Pashtuns and Pashtun men.
So why
would a Pashtun woman, particularly one who appreciates her identity and
culture and works on the cause of Pashtuns, marry a non-Pashtun man?
There are several possibilities, but one of the most prominent reasons
is a lack of availability of compatible Pashtun partners. From my
conversations with and observations of Pashtun women who have married
non-Pashtun men, I have also learned that they made their decision based
primarily upon their experiences with Pashtun men around them; while
the men may make excellent fathers and brothers, they do not always make
good husbands, according to the standards that many Pashtun women set
for themselves. These women do not instinctively assume that a
non-Pashtun man would be naturally better, however: the patriarchal
mentality common to most Pashtun men is hardly unique to them and is
shared by men of many other cultures, including virtually all South
Asian cultures.
Notwithstanding
the above points, it is also true that some Pashtuns who deny Pashtun
women the right to marry non-Pashtun men also deny the same right to
Pashtun men. However, the denial is not as severe for men as it is for
women: men hardly face condemnation, and no one ever questions their
identity or the identity of their children while they do the woman’s and
her children’s.
As
Pashtun women reach the age of marriage, some, if not many, might turn
to non-Pashtun men for marriages rather than Pashtun ones, and their
decisions are not baseless but are rooted in their experiences,
observations, and expectations. For the “average” Pashtun woman, the
first choice for marriage is not a non-Pashtun man, but he is and should
be an option for many of them. To be limited to a man of the same
ethnicity—and, in the case of most Pashtun women, also of the same
district and preferably same city or village—is not the most practical
option anymore. There is a culture that we are born and raised into,
which is often the Pashtun culture, and then there is a culture that
everyone has as individuals. When it comes to marriage, the best partner
for most, if not all, people is the one who shares our individual
cultures, the culture that is ultimately the most important culture of
all in our lives.
Recently on "Pashtun marriages":
- Introduction to the Topic
- Part I: the Problems
- Part 2: Imported Brides and the Issue of (In)compatibility
- Part 3: Visa Marriages (marrying girls/boys for visas)
- Part 4a: Pashtuns' Views on Girls Raised in the West (Misconceptions about them) - More responses like this would be great, especially from males!
- Part 4b: Pashtuns' Views on Girls Raised in the West
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