Monday, May 14, 2012

Regretted. Tortured. Empowered.

In my Sociology of Sex and Gender class in summer 2009, my teacher asked us to share some of the discriminations we have encountered as women, men, both, or neither. Although I was the second person to go, I asked if I could go last to see what the other students had to say or how they defined and experienced discrimination in 21st century America.  As I listened to stories about males preferring “feminine” movies or cars to masculine ones and being judged for their preference and about females being considered “bitchy” for wanting to be leaders, and other similar stories, I was reminded of the burdens that the Pukhtun woman brings to her Pukhtun family and to her Pakistani/Pashtun society as a female. Consider the following.

You. Your mother. Your mother has always told you stories of how her mother- and sisters-in-law tortured her all her life, stole her income from her, forced her to do housework, treated her as though she were the most lowest of earth's creatures, accused her constantly of things they knew she'd never do, insulted her for giving birth to a daughter (or daughterssss), forcing her to starve the daughters almost to death until your father found out you were being starved and put an end to the insanity. Your father. A man. Your mother's mother-in-law. A woman. Your mother's sisters-in-law. Women. All women. Women against women. Frustrated, angry, angry with something they really can't put their hands on.

Then imagine the constant arguments you and your mother have upon discovering that you are pregnant. And your mother goes shopping for clothes for the baby -- but seeks only boys' clothes. And you remind her that the baby can be a boy or a girl, so she should be looking for both, that there's a 50% chance it can be a girl. And your mother shuts you up by yelling, “God forbid it’s a girl!” and you scream back, saying, “I hope it’s a girl! Oh, how I hope it’s a girl, mom! I will fast for a whole month in gratitude to God if it’s a girl!” in this extreme anger that results in your mom’s crying, begging you to retract your vow and you crying and yelling, “Why, mom, why do you hate me and yourself? I’m a woman! You’re a woman! Maryam [mother of Jesus] was a woman!" And your mother reminds you of the tortures she lived through with her mother- and sisters-in-law because she gave birth to daughters -- because a woman can never, never, ever have enough sons and her every daughter is a burden, a torture, an insult. Your mother tells you that a Pakistani, that a Pukhtun mother’s worst fear is that her daughters will be married one day to men who may or may not treat them with respect and in a household where in-laws will most likely belittle them, put a complete end to her potentials, strip her of her right to be, pluck every sense of spirit out of her soul. And you quietly ask your mother in this constipated voice, “But why should her in-laws treat her any better when her own mother violates her right to being by regretting giving birth to her, wishing she had given birth to a son instead, by crying and by contemplating ways of getting rid of her? Why should any girl be married to a man who will respect her when her own mother, the one who gave her life, disrespects her, regrets her?" And your mother cries to you telling you that you do not understand the nuances of these things, that you will understand only when you are cursed with a daughter as well.[1] And you respond: “Ohh, mom … you have no idea how desperately I want to give birth to at least one daughter in my life so I can teach her how to fight the cruelty that begins from the day she’s born! And I will celebrate her birth with the same lavishness the society expects mothers to celebrate their sons' births! And your mother secretly prays that your never get a daughter. And you, you swear, you swear with all your heart and all your passion that you will do this and much more, that you will love your daughters and your sons equally, that you will not hinder any of your own kids from reaching their highest potential because of their gender, that you will prove society wrong in thinking that a woman is a curse, an insult, a burden on society. Millennia later, and we humans still haven't figured out how to acknowledge women's existence as equally important to society and civilization as that of men's.


[1] There is a Hindi song that’s a plea to God/god not to make “us” (women) daughters in our next life after we have been reincarnated. It is based on the story of a courtesan from perhaps the 16th century who is kidnapped as a child and sold into a brothel where she eventually becomes the lover and the beloved of a regular visitor. He later betrays her, after which she attempts to return to her family – only to hear her mother and brother calling her a prostitute and closing the door on her, denying her entrance to her home. And this song plays, revealing her miseries as a woman – as a daughter, as a courtesan, as a lover, betrayed by everyone from God to her parents to her lover to society. It can be heard in Hindi with clips from the movie (Umrao Jaan, 2006) here.

12 comments:

  1. There are so many similar stories of such in our lives in our Pushtoon Culture. The difference comes with education and islam.

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  2. Qrrattuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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  3. Ozer, thanks for dropping by and commenting! Do you have a blog? I don't see it, but it looks like you do have a Blogger profile.
    Yes, I think the problem may be our lack of understanding of Islam and our lack of education -- but I think an even worse problem is that much of this is happening with people who may be declared educated! So the question is, what KIND of education is it that our people need in order to realize and understand that girls are just as important as boys?

    @ POA: lol! :D Salaamuna!!

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  4. This sentiment is true for almost any culture, albeit in varying degrees. Women have been indoctrinated to think of other women as a burden on society and it's propagated further by lack of enlightenment (I'm done using the word 'education')

    I think the plight of our women was created by men alone, but has been furthered by men and women both.

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  5. I seriously had such a witty and thoughtful comment here. But the internet ate it :-/

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  6. You know what..? Ever since I heard that song from Umraao Jaan, it has been stuck in my mind for various reasons. The lyrics really speak to me because this is exactly how women feel in many places unfortunately. I was excited to see you use that song because I have wanted to write about this song in the past and relate it to the reality. Growing up, I had a classmate who said she wished she was a boy because then she could do everything she wanted to (this was in the USA). Unfortunately, when I was younger, because of the comment my friend made, I was also sometimes drawn into that feeling (I regret it now). Thanks for sharing!

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  7. Thanks for your comments, folks!
    Precisely, THG! Burden - that's an important part of the problem. We're seen as burdens on society. In Swat, the fear of dowry was always there, but apparently it's gotten worse now, and even very educated women fear having daughters because they know they won't be able to marry them off to good families if they don't offer a deathly expensive dowry :S My aunts were telling me about how expensive it is to not only raise a girl (we know that's true everywhere, unfortunately! The average American woman spends over $15,000 on beauty products, salons/spas, hair products, etc.!), but what's even worse is marrying the girl off! You've to buy HER stuff, every single one of her siblings-in-law, her parents-in-law, even her husband's "important" distant relatives stuff in order to ensure that your daughter will be treated well by her in-laws and husband! It's really sad!

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  8. @ RM: As much as the song makes me cringe, it makes me smile at the same time... I don't know how to explain why. It's like, I am inspired by injustices and oppression so much. I become overwhelmed with ideas of how to treat some of our problem, and I even write my favorite poetry of mine in such angry, hurtful moments. The song inspires me. Another one I love most is Udit Narayan's "Gham Hai Kyun": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgW1pLiSUa0 I love it! I'm most happiest that a male sang it.

    Also, there's a positive version of the "Agle janam mohe bitiya NA keejo"! Heck, there's even a drama serial (I think?) called "Agle janam mohe bitiya hi kijo" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEopYttl-mA) :D Here's the link to the song (she sings the "HI kiji" part at 3:28): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeTCtXs3EAE Little Aishwarya sang it on one of those Indian song competitions. It's beautiful.

    Lotsa links, I know - but I got excited there, girl!

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  9. Hi!

    I found your blog through the self-promotion post on Feministe. You are a wonderful writer; even if you were a native English speaker your words have a force and vibrancy that is rare.

    I bet your Sociology of Gender classmates --- and probably the teacher, too --- are learning a lot from you.

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    1. Why, Lindsay, that was so generous of you to say :) Thank you! And welcome to my blog - so glad you came across it!

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  10. Freedom are for every one because the Islam gives the equal rights to both women and men. The society of the world also working for it and now the technology also produce the different kinds of the women and girls games like the dress up games which shows their freedoms.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your thoughts, Dress Up Games! I appreciate your dropping by and commenting!

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Dare to opine :)

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