Verbal and Emotional Abuse in the Pashtun Society - Part I: Signs of Abuse

Edit: Since the post did get too long, I'll go ahead and break it into two parts (lawl! But I won't apologize for my wordiness, though). So, in this part, I'll just talk about domestic abuse in general -- not physical but verbal and emotional -- and give some signs of abuse. In the next/second part, I'll give some pointers about domestic abuse (like how it's not your fault even if he makes you feel like you're being abused because you deserve it); the third/last part will be on what to do if you are in an abusive relationship.

Disclaimer #1: I know that domestic abuse is not exclusive to Pashtuns. It’s a disease in all of the world, in every society, and everyone’s involved in it, directly or indirectly (whether that is by being abusive, being the victim, or watching it happen and sitting there in silence). So I’m not at all suggesting with the title of this post and with my write-up below that all Pashtun men are abusive and that only Pashtun women suffer abuse.  It’s never all, so, no, not all Pashtun men are bad. And, no, not all Pashtun women go through this hell. But many of them do, and this post is for those women. As in most of my pots, I focus on Pashtuns mainly because I’m a Pashtun myself. But also because I have a number of friends and other loved ones suffering from abuse (most of them won’t acknowledge it as abuse, though), and most Pashtun women have nowhere to turn to when they’re being abused. So I hope this will help them a little.

Disclaimer #2: Please bear in mind that, while I’m sitting here in the distance telling you how to detect abuse, it’s actually up to you to decide for yourself if you are being abused or not. If you feel like you’re not suffering (mentally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise), don’t think I’m telling you what to do. If you read the below and feel like you are experiencing abuse but you feel like there’s nothing wrong with that, by all means stay however you wish to stay. This is only for those who are unhappy where they are and want to do something about it.

Introduction

In this post, I will avoid bringing up religion, which too many Muslim women often use to justify their own abuses by their husbands. (That is, “God gave him the right to hit me.”) Here, I’m just gonna talk about the problem, why it’s a problem, and how to know if you’re being abused—because sometimes we don’t realize being abused because we foolishly think “he loves me. He’d never hurt me.” Or “he doesn’t mean to hurt me.” Or “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have done that.” I’ll talk on religion and violence in another post.

So, a few years ago, I was watching a Pakistani drama with some Pashtun women. A husband slaps his wife really hard, and the wife touches her face lightly and then a moment later turns to her husband and hits him in the face so hard he falls on the bed. I yelled: “YYYES!!! Good job, lady!!” And a Pashtun woman yelled, “SHUT UP!! Don’t say that!” Me: “Why? He hit her. He deserves to be hit back.” The Pashtun woman: “He’s the husband. He has the right to hit her.  He has to discipline her….” And then she went on and on about how Americanized I was, how “liberal” my thinking was, and how it’s really bad for society that a woman thinks the wife should not just sit passively if she’s being hurt by her husband.

Then there are those Pashtun women I know who are abused by their husbands constantly and the only reason they’re still with these beastly husbands of theirs is “I have kids.” I’ll talk on this below as well.

Signs of verbal / emotional abuse
Not all abuse is physical. There is mental abuse, there’s emotional, there’s verbal, among others. And it’s wrong to think one is necessarily worse or more harmful than another. They’re all equally bad, but one form of abuse may have worse effects on one person when another form of abuse may have worse on another person (e.g., someone may suffer more from emotional violence, but someone else may suffer more from physical abuse). Know that if you’re being hurt in ANY way, if you don’t feel good around your partner, something is wrong, and it’s up to YOU to correct it, if you want to correct it. The following is a list of signs that detect abuse. If you’re a male reading this, please pay attention and make sure you don’t do this to any of your family members (wife, daughter, sister, mother, cousin, friend—anyone!) because you may think you’re wonderful and amazing and you may be brilliant and accomplished and all that, but none of that guarantees that you will know how to treat another person with love and respect. If you’re a female reading this, please pay attention and ask yourself if you’re being abused. If the answer is yes, read on and this post might be able to give you some tips for what to do and how to seek help.  In the following, assume that the “you” is female and the “he” is her partner. This is because we know that in the Pashtun society, just as in most other societies, the victim is almost always a female and her abuser is a male, often her husband or boyfriend or another close male family member.

Before I end this section, let me reiterate that oftentimes, especially in the Pashtun and other Eastern societies, our partners don’t realize when they’re hurting us. Make sure he realizes and knows he’s hurting you, and if he continues doing it knowing it’s upsetting you, there’s a problem.

You know your partner is abusing you if:

• He yells (at you) a lot.
  Does he yell at you every chance he gets?
• He threatens or blackmails you.
  It doesn’t matter how many times he does it and over what. What matters is that he is “controlling” you. Blackmailing and threatening are forms of control that weak people have over others. 
• He speaks badly of you and/or people who mean a lot to you.
  If he ever insults you, you know there’s a problem. You should also know there’s a problem if he insults your parents, your siblings, your friends, or other people who are dear to you. First let him know that you don’t like it when he does that, and then respond according to his response. 
• He’s angry a lot.
  Anger’s a part of life, and there’s nothing wrong with it as long as we don’t take it out on another person or thing. What does your partner do when he’s angry? Does he yell at you? Does he hit you? Does he give you the silent treatment? If yes to any of these, there’s a problem. For what reasons does he get angry? Do you fear him when he’s angry? Can you sit by him while he’s angry? If no, there’s a problem. And how often does he get angry at you, and how often do you get angry at him? Does he hit you or curse at you or insult you otherwise during his anger but apologizes after he’s cool? If yes, there’s a problem.
  It’s a very common scene among many Pashtun families to watch or heart your father/brother/husband/son yell at you if there’s something missing or “not enough” in a dish you’ve cooked him. Something as little as a lack of salt can make that man throw the food against the wall, scream at you for not cooking well, shame you for being the worst cook in the world, and then give you the silent treatment (that is, not talk to you or even to anyone else around) for days. This IS abuse. Cook for yourself then, damnit! They simply don’t recognize the fact that people make mistakes, and it’s not just they who’ll be eating this but YOU, too, will be eating the same thing! They make it seem as though you’ve cooked yourself a luxurious, delicious meal while left them the scum of the earth.
  That’s abuse.
• He criticizes/corrects you too much, especially in front of others.
  I know of many men who will correct their wives/fiancés/girlfriends in public every chance they get. They’ll also criticize them in public every chance they get. I’m not talking about disagreements in a conversation, and I’m not talking about respectful criticism and humble corrections. These are big things that often come with, “Don’t you know by now?” or “That’s a stupid remark,” or “Why are you so dumb?” Oftentimes, he’ll correct you because he needs to feel like you’re not “smarter” than him. Maybe it’s because he believes you’re very smart, and he’s always waiting for an opportunity to prove himself wrong.  Of course, this goes for women, too. It’s never always just men.
  
  Also, if you feel uncomfortable every time he criticizes or corrects you, you should let him know. Note his response to that, and if he laughs and goes, “What the hell – don’t be so stupid.” Or “Don’t be so weak. You gotta learn to take criticism from people, man,” there’s a problem. He should realize that while, yes, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with disagreeing with people or even criticizing them, how you express that disagreement/criticism makes a huge difference. He’s the one who needs to learn how to do it in such a way that it doesn’t offend or humiliate you.
  
• He bosses you around, tells you what to do all the time.
  As I implied above, most Pashtun men (husbands) rarely help out with household activities. Just because they work and earn the money (even though the wife, too, may be working and earning money!), they expect to come home and relax while the wife cooks and cleans and does laundry and tends to their kids. When I was 12 years old, before I came to the U.S., I spent a night at a cousin’s house. That aunt had just given birth to a baby boy, and he had this problem of crying. He’d cry all the time (except when with me or my little brother or his own brother :D), and that night was no exception: he was crying all night long. So my uncle starts screaming at my aunt, “Shut that baby up” plus some insults and threats. What could my aunt do? It was like 2am, the whole of Pakistan was sleeping, the infant was screaming loudly, and there was nowhere to take him to and no way to silence him. That’s abuse.
  My point: your partner should help you with taking care of your kids, putting them to sleep, taking turns as necessary to feed and tend to them.
  
• He rules your social life.
  If he tells you who can talk to you, who can visit, who you can invite to the house -- when the whole time, he's doing whatever HE wants, visiting anyone HE wants, inviting to the house anyone HE wants -- there's a problem. 
• He gets jealous all the time, is too possessive.
  So, Pashtun men are known for their possessive nature.  They get jealous very easily. I have to admit that I do expect a little jealousy from my husband. What I mean by “a little,” I don’t need to discuss here. But how much possessiveness is acceptable – from both partners, not just from the guy – should be decided mutually. As long as there’s a good understanding between the partners about how jealous or how possessive the guy or the girl should be of the other, there shouldn’t be any problems. If he gets jealous of YOU when, say, you interact with another male in a way he doesn't like but he expects you to be totally okay with things he does himself, like interacting with other females in a way you don't like (that is, he practices double standards), then there’s a problem. 
• He belittles you.If he makes you feel like you're stupid or dumb, that you can't do anything, that you aren't as smart as he is, that you haven't accomplished anything, that you're worthless -- he's abusing you. He's disrespecting your intelligence and your potential, and that's never a good thing. He should instead be reminding you of what you're capable of doing and achieving. He should be one of the first people you turn to when you lose confidence yourself, when you're at a low moment in life.
  
• You hate being around him or are uncomfortable around him.
  My sister once told me of a friend of hers who couldn’t wait till her husband left home for work—she just felt very uncomfortable around him. My heart goes out to that woman. Can you imagine being in her shoes? If you’re in a similar situation, and there’s a problem. Your husband should be your friend (best, closest friend, if I may be so bold to say), and you should be comfortable and open around him. If he’s a decent-minded person, you should be able to share that sense of discomfort with him, and he should be able to propose some solutions and make sure that discomfort feeling goes away as soon as possible. If he’s an asshole, then, well, he’ll just laugh at you and tell you to suck it up – or you might not feel like you can share that feeling with him. 
  
• You have to lie to him all the time.
  Let’s face it – there are too many lies in too many of our marriages. Many Pashtun women I know have to do things behind their husbands’ back (nothing “bad”; just things like visiting parents or siblings or friends without letting their husbands know or seeking their husband’s permission because the husbands won’t let them go if they ask! Or going shopping without their permission or knowledge. Just things like this, not like meeting other men or cheating on them or something like that). You shouldn’t have to “ask” him if you can do something or go somewhere or buy something; you should let him know just so he knows what’s up or where you are – in the same way that he should let you know of his whereabouts (not small things like taking a walk with a friend; you should know what’s “big” and “small” in your own marriage, as they may not be the same for all couples).

Coming up next:
- Some pointers on verbal/emotional domestic abuse
- What to do if you are in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship.