Friday, April 13, 2012

Verbal and Emotional Abuse in the Pashtun Society - Part I: Signs of Abuse

Edit: Since the post did get too long, I'll go ahead and break it into two parts (lawl! But I won't apologize for my wordiness, though). So, in this part, I'll just talk about domestic abuse in general -- not physical but verbal and emotional -- and give some signs of abuse. In the next/second part, I'll give some pointers about domestic abuse (like how it's not your fault even if he makes you feel like you're being abused because you deserve it); the third/last part will be on what to do if you are in an abusive relationship.

Disclaimer #1: I know that domestic abuse is not exclusive to Pashtuns. It’s a disease in all of the world, in every society, and everyone’s involved in it, directly or indirectly (whether that is by being abusive, being the victim, or watching it happen and sitting there in silence). So I’m not at all suggesting with the title of this post and with my write-up below that all Pashtun men are abusive and that only Pashtun women suffer abuse.  It’s never all, so, no, not all Pashtun men are bad. And, no, not all Pashtun women go through this hell. But many of them do, and this post is for those women. As in most of my pots, I focus on Pashtuns mainly because I’m a Pashtun myself. But also because I have a number of friends and other loved ones suffering from abuse (most of them won’t acknowledge it as abuse, though), and most Pashtun women have nowhere to turn to when they’re being abused. So I hope this will help them a little.

Disclaimer #2: Please bear in mind that, while I’m sitting here in the distance telling you how to detect abuse, it’s actually up to you to decide for yourself if you are being abused or not. If you feel like you’re not suffering (mentally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise), don’t think I’m telling you what to do. If you read the below and feel like you are experiencing abuse but you feel like there’s nothing wrong with that, by all means stay however you wish to stay. This is only for those who are unhappy where they are and want to do something about it.


In this post, I will avoid bringing up religion, which too many Muslim women often use to justify their own abuses by their husbands. (That is, “God gave him the right to hit me.”) Here, I’m just gonna talk about the problem, why it’s a problem, and how to know if you’re being abused—because sometimes we don’t realize being abused because we foolishly think “he loves me. He’d never hurt me.” Or “he doesn’t mean to hurt me.” Or “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have done that.” I’ll talk on religion and violence in another post.

So, a few years ago, I was watching a Pakistani drama with some Pashtun women. A husband slaps his wife really hard, and the wife touches her face lightly and then a moment later turns to her husband and hits him in the face so hard he falls on the bed. I yelled: “YYYES!!! Good job, lady!!” And a Pashtun woman yelled, “SHUT UP!! Don’t say that!” Me: “Why? He hit her. He deserves to be hit back.” The Pashtun woman: “He’s the husband. He has the right to hit her.  He has to discipline her….” And then she went on and on about how Americanized I was, how “liberal” my thinking was, and how it’s really bad for society that a woman thinks the wife should not just sit passively if she’s being hurt by her husband.

Then there are those Pashtun women I know who are abused by their husbands constantly and the only reason they’re still with these beastly husbands of theirs is “I have kids.” I’ll talk on this below as well.

Signs of verbal / emotional abuse
Not all abuse is physical. There is mental abuse, there’s emotional, there’s verbal, among others. And it’s wrong to think one is necessarily worse or more harmful than another. They’re all equally bad, but one form of abuse may have worse effects on one person when another form of abuse may have worse on another person (e.g., someone may suffer more from emotional violence, but someone else may suffer more from physical abuse). Know that if you’re being hurt in ANY way, if you don’t feel good around your partner, something is wrong, and it’s up to YOU to correct it, if you want to correct it. The following is a list of signs that detect abuse. If you’re a male reading this, please pay attention and make sure you don’t do this to any of your family members (wife, daughter, sister, mother, cousin, friend—anyone!) because you may think you’re wonderful and amazing and you may be brilliant and accomplished and all that, but none of that guarantees that you will know how to treat another person with love and respect. If you’re a female reading this, please pay attention and ask yourself if you’re being abused. If the answer is yes, read on and this post might be able to give you some tips for what to do and how to seek help.  In the following, assume that the “you” is female and the “he” is her partner. This is because we know that in the Pashtun society, just as in most other societies, the victim is almost always a female and her abuser is a male, often her husband or boyfriend or another close male family member.

Before I end this section, let me reiterate that oftentimes, especially in the Pashtun and other Eastern societies, our partners don’t realize when they’re hurting us. Make sure he realizes and knows he’s hurting you, and if he continues doing it knowing it’s upsetting you, there’s a problem.

You know your partner is abusing you if:
  • He yells (at you) a lot.
    Does he yell at you every chance he gets?
  • He threatens or blackmails you.
    It doesn’t matter how many times he does it and over what. What matters is that he is “controlling” you. Blackmailing and threatening are forms of control that weak people have over others. 
  • He speaks badly of you and/or people who mean a lot to you.
    If he ever insults you, you know there’s a problem. You should also know there’s a problem if he insults your parents, your siblings, your friends, or other people who are dear to you. First let him know that you don’t like it when he does that, and then respond according to his response. 
  • He’s angry a lot.
    Anger’s a part of life, and there’s nothing wrong with it as long as we don’t take it out on another person or thing. What does your partner do when he’s angry? Does he yell at you? Does he hit you? Does he give you the silent treatment? If yes to any of these, there’s a problem. For what reasons does he get angry? Do you fear him when he’s angry? Can you sit by him while he’s angry? If no, there’s a problem. And how often does he get angry at you, and how often do you get angry at him? Does he hit you or curse at you or insult you otherwise during his anger but apologizes after he’s cool? If yes, there’s a problem.
    It’s a very common scene among many Pashtun families to watch or heart your father/brother/husband/son yell at you if there’s something missing or “not enough” in a dish you’ve cooked him. Something as little as a lack of salt can make that man throw the food against the wall, scream at you for not cooking well, shame you for being the worst cook in the world, and then give you the silent treatment (that is, not talk to you or even to anyone else around) for days. This IS abuse. Cook for yourself then, damnit! They simply don’t recognize the fact that people make mistakes, and it’s not just they who’ll be eating this but YOU, too, will be eating the same thing! They make it seem as though you’ve cooked yourself a luxurious, delicious meal while left them the scum of the earth.
    That’s abuse.
  • He criticizes/corrects you too much, especially in front of others.
    I know of many men who will correct their wives/fianc├ęs/girlfriends in public every chance they get. They’ll also criticize them in public every chance they get. I’m not talking about disagreements in a conversation, and I’m not talking about respectful criticism and humble corrections. These are big things that often come with, “Don’t you know by now?” or “That’s a stupid remark,” or “Why are you so dumb?” Oftentimes, he’ll correct you because he needs to feel like you’re not “smarter” than him. Maybe it’s because he believes you’re very smart, and he’s always waiting for an opportunity to prove himself wrong.  Of course, this goes for women, too. It’s never always just men.

    Also, if you feel uncomfortable every time he criticizes or corrects you, you should let him know. Note his response to that, and if he laughs and goes, “What the hell – don’t be so stupid.” Or “Don’t be so weak. You gotta learn to take criticism from people, man,” there’s a problem. He should realize that while, yes, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with disagreeing with people or even criticizing them, how you express that disagreement/criticism makes a huge difference. He’s the one who needs to learn how to do it in such a way that it doesn’t offend or humiliate you.
  • He bosses you around, tells you what to do all the time.
    As I implied above, most Pashtun men (husbands) rarely help out with household activities. Just because they work and earn the money (even though the wife, too, may be working and earning money!), they expect to come home and relax while the wife cooks and cleans and does laundry and tends to their kids. When I was 12 years old, before I came to the U.S., I spent a night at a cousin’s house. That aunt had just given birth to a baby boy, and he had this problem of crying. He’d cry all the time (except when with me or my little brother or his own brother :D), and that night was no exception: he was crying all night long. So my uncle starts screaming at my aunt, “Shut that baby up” plus some insults and threats. What could my aunt do? It was like 2am, the whole of Pakistan was sleeping, the infant was screaming loudly, and there was nowhere to take him to and no way to silence him. That’s abuse.
    My point: your partner should help you with taking care of your kids, putting them to sleep, taking turns as necessary to feed and tend to them.
  • He rules your social life.
    If he tells you who can talk to you, who can visit, who you can invite to the house -- when the whole time, he's doing whatever HE wants, visiting anyone HE wants, inviting to the house anyone HE wants -- there's a problem. 
  • He gets jealous all the time, is too possessive.
    So, Pashtun men are known for their possessive nature.  They get jealous very easily. I have to admit that I do expect a little jealousy from my husband. What I mean by “a little,” I don’t need to discuss here. But how much possessiveness is acceptable – from both partners, not just from the guy – should be decided mutually. As long as there’s a good understanding between the partners about how jealous or how possessive the guy or the girl should be of the other, there shouldn’t be any problems. If he gets jealous of YOU when, say, you interact with another male in a way he doesn't like but he expects you to be totally okay with things he does himself, like interacting with other females in a way you don't like (that is, he practices double standards), then there’s a problem. 
  • He belittles you.If he makes you feel like you're stupid or dumb, that you can't do anything, that you aren't as smart as he is, that you haven't accomplished anything, that you're worthless -- he's abusing you. He's disrespecting your intelligence and your potential, and that's never a good thing. He should instead be reminding you of what you're capable of doing and achieving. He should be one of the first people you turn to when you lose confidence yourself, when you're at a low moment in life.
  • You hate being around him or are uncomfortable around him.
    My sister once told me of a friend of hers who couldn’t wait till her husband left home for work—she just felt very uncomfortable around him. My heart goes out to that woman. Can you imagine being in her shoes? If you’re in a similar situation, and there’s a problem. Your husband should be your friend (best, closest friend, if I may be so bold to say), and you should be comfortable and open around him. If he’s a decent-minded person, you should be able to share that sense of discomfort with him, and he should be able to propose some solutions and make sure that discomfort feeling goes away as soon as possible. If he’s an asshole, then, well, he’ll just laugh at you and tell you to suck it up – or you might not feel like you can share that feeling with him. 
  • You have to lie to him all the time.
    Let’s face it – there are too many lies in too many of our marriages. Many Pashtun women I know have to do things behind their husbands’ back (nothing “bad”; just things like visiting parents or siblings or friends without letting their husbands know or seeking their husband’s permission because the husbands won’t let them go if they ask! Or going shopping without their permission or knowledge. Just things like this, not like meeting other men or cheating on them or something like that). You shouldn’t have to “ask” him if you can do something or go somewhere or buy something; you should let him know just so he knows what’s up or where you are – in the same way that he should let you know of his whereabouts (not small things like taking a walk with a friend; you should know what’s “big” and “small” in your own marriage, as they may not be the same for all couples).
Coming up next:
- Some pointers on verbal/emotional domestic abuse
- What to do if you are in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship


    1. A very long post! Hard to read it all. I am of the opinion that domestic abuse is often over-rated! We're living in a world where everyone wants to score some points by talking in favour of females and be acceptable to the so called feminists. being a Pashtun myself I've hardly seen females being the victim of domestic violence by men. If anything happens in our tightly knit family it's always another woman at the helm of affairs. Husbands on the other hand are always listening to wives and taking their sides. This is a first hand observation of a rural Pashtun society and I hope it represents the over all Pushtun culture. I agree that there are cases of domestic violence but please note there are many more cases of violence of men Vs men to an extent of killings.
      I feel there is time we, men should also raise voice against making us the target of undue and unjust discrimination despite doing all what we can for our family.
      We love and respect women and honour them as individuals. Period.

    2. I am not Pashtun,but your artice was so well done! Respectful, balanced, but strong. I believe it could help a great many families.

    3. I was relieved, same time disappointed my sack of shit daddy left my mommy and i before i saw this beautiful domestic insurgency training film called "the Burning Bed" with Farrah Fawcett.

    4. Thanks for your comments, everyone!

      @ Hutopian: I know it's long. I considered breaking it into two parts but then decided otherwise ... maybe I'll break it into two parts, not sure.
      Funny you mention "feminists," since speaking about women's issues should have nothing to do with feminism. I know of people who hate feminism so much that if you mention anything about, say, domestic violence, they'll roll their eyes and immediately think that it's a feminist agenda to break marriages!

      It's never all men, and it's never always men. You are correct that women-to-women abuse occurs often, possibly even more so than husband-to-wife abuse, and I have seen that sisters-/mothers-in-law are the worst of creatures in much of the eastern society. They're the ones who choose their brothers'/sons' wives for them, and THEY are the ones who then abuse and hate them. It makes no sense to me. I'll write on that another time. I'm sorry you concluded that I think it's always men who are the perpetrators of violence in most homes. It's not. I wrote on husband-wife relationship because of what I've seen some friends and relatives going through in their marriages, and I felt like it was time I said something on this.

      However, your observations are quite different from mine in regards to how husbands treat their wives. Remember that the geographic location and class also play a role in how the husband treats his wife. Even in one village, you'll see a difference in the treatment as a result of the family's class. When I'm in Swat, it's most fascinating to see how husbands and wives interact with each other in my mother's village and then in my father's village: striking difference!

      Also, when a husband abuses his wife, he doesn't often do it in front of other people. Most Pashtun households believe in and practice gender segregation, so I assure you that if my brother were to enter a house of some relative of ours, a male in that household will NOT be the same way to his wife in front of my brother as he is with her normally.

      And you're talking about physical violence and I'm talking about verbal and emotional violence, something that few people realize is as bad as physical violence.

    5. @ Anonymous, that's very kind of you to say! Thank you.

      @ Unknown: I'm sorry you've had to experience the tortures of seeing your mother in that situation. Be strong! :) I wish you and your family well!

      Thanks again for your comments and insight, folks! Bless y'all!

    6. Dear Qrratugai: Thanks for allowing comments and responding too. My points are

      1. Domestic violence does not always mean 'man abusing woman' as projected by your article (He does this, He does that).

      2. Domestic violence is by no means restricted to Pashtuns and keeping them in the title is being unfair to them.

      3. The article will get a lot of liking because of the prevailing wave of feminism (you might disagree but it does appear to be influenced by a tinge of feminism.)

      4. More husbands take care of their wives than abusing them. I belong to Swabi and a Yousafzai like you (most likely) and I have hardly seen husbands abusing wives. Instead it's always the other females of the family who would target the new arrival in the family or in other cases the wife not at ease with them. Man gets caught between the devil and the deep sea and have to bear the psychological and emotional stress all the time.

      5. I have personally seen women have much greater role in family affairs though the role is behind the scene and a woman apparently never in the driving seat is always driving the driver! :-)

      6. I feel that time has come that men should raise their voice against this dis-information onslaught against them and let their voice be heard too. Enough of women right, women days. We do give them all our life and still remain evil and someone who is blamed for anything that goes wrong.

      7. Exceptions are always there and abuse does occur though such abuse is much more common in 'Man Vs Man' situations which is conveniently ignored.

      8. Solution is 'tolerance'. We all need to develop a culture of tolerance. This includes women too who should learn to bear each other with respect instead of instigating Men against one another.


      1. Dear Hutopian, a time when a crime is being described we should think of catching the culprit or at least of condemning the doer of that shameful act rather than taking offences against our gender. Maybe you never abused a female, good for you, but then the post is not about you, why do you take it on yourself?
        if a daily news paper says 'a pathan killed his brother' would you condemn that particular act or start propagating that all pathans are not like that? that's not the point basically!

    7. Thanks for your return, Hutopia!
      I think I've addressed almost all of your points in my above comment (*and* in the article above *smile*), but lemme reiterate some things.

      1. I have not suggested or claimed that "domestic abuse" is always men. I've heard and read that wives are sometimes just as abusive to their husbands, but I've never seen that happen in my life -- but I understand they exist.
      What pushed me to write this was my recent experiences with some friends and other Pukhtun women I know who I can't bear to see like this. It's not that they're being physically abused -- they're being emotionally abused ALL the time, and they don't recognize it as abuse because, well, no one talks about verbal/emotional abuse in our society.

      So please note that I'm addressing not "physical" abuse but emotional and mental abuse. The purpose of this article was to say that too many times, too many Pukhtun women are involved in marriages/relationships where the husbands/partners are *verbally*/*emotionally* abusive but just because they don't hit their wives/fiances/gfs, we think it's not abuse.

      2. My first disclaimer makes it quite clear, I'd think, that domestic abuse is not just a phenomenon among Pashtuns, no? Then I explained why I choose to focus on Pashtuns.

      3. I don't see why it should be a problem if this article gets a liking because of any influence of feminism....?

      (to be ctd in the next comment)

    8. 4. That's always open to question. What does it mean to "take care of"? What does it mean to "respect your women"? I often come across Pukhtun men who'll tell me, "Just be quiet - our women are perfectly fine the way they are. We love and respect our women." I always find that amusing. Let the women speak for themselves. In fact, I posted this on FB and some friend's friend commented saying, "This is Jewish conspiracy! Leave our women alone." Or something like that.

      5. I've never seen that the woman has a much more greater role in family affairs than the men do :) That'd be a delight to see, really! One day, hopefully, I'll see that. Oh wait - that depends on what you mean by "family affairs." In terms of marriages, the mothers-in-law are more influential than any man in the family, so you may be right to an extent. But "family affairs" isn't just marriage, now, is it?

      6. I fully acknowledge the harms done to women BY other women. I experience this all the time -- as a daughter, as a female Pashtun graduate student who has absolutely no respect and no support from Pashtun women in my community, and as a Pashtun friend to younger Pashtun girls whose parents caution them against sitting and interacting with me, even during wedding and other special events! And I don't think anyone can emphasize the harms that mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law inflict on their daughters-/sisters-in-laws. I have witnessed this among my relatives from the time I started seeing and noticing these things, which was when I was at least 4 or 5 years old. Like I said, I'll write on this another time, but this article is about the emotional/verbal abuse that wives experience at the hands of their husbands.

      Also, I think you should start writing on that! I'd be your first loyal supporter. I am fully supportive of speaking for justice, so when you write on how men are mistreated by their women and you truly feel that, I'll be happy to support you! You might also wanna take a look at the "What about teh Menz?" blog:

      7. I don't think that's ignored at all. But if it is, you've implied that woman-to-woman violence is also ignored, no? Also, remember that whatever we think is not given enough attention, we should be the ones to give it the attention we think it should gain. So start! Me, I didn't and still don't think that emotional/verbal abuse is given ANY attention, especially in the Pukhtun society ... so I wrote on it.

      8. I completely agree that the solution is tolerance! But you know it's really hard to teach about tolerance. People say there's a "limit" to tolerance ...

    9. I agree with HUtopian to the extent that abuse is a two way street - women are equally capable of being abusive and a lot of the time they are! I don't think men need to make a racket about it though.

      Completely unrelated to the post itself - but ROFL

      "whose parents caution them against sitting and interacting with me"

      dera bada ye W'Allah (this whole blog is a Jewish Conspiracy - funded by RAW and orchestrated by MOSSAD) *Zaid Hamid imitation*

    10. LOL @ the ROFL ... it's true. This one time, a group of some 5 girls and I were sitting at a table at a wedding, and our mothers were all sitting together at a different table, far from us. The mother of one of the girls calls her over and tells her something. The girl returns and says, "Okay, my mom says not to sit with you, so I'll go sit with her, okay?" and she kissed me and hugged me and left.

      Other women tell their daughters the same thing. #BIGsadFace :( And it's not like I have any controversial discussions with them or anything. I mean, we just talk about random stuff like school, family, politics, etc. I never express disagreement with them in religious matters because I know that they can't be easily expressed, so I just keep quiet. But the girls like me, so that's a good sign for me!

      Anyway, about abuse being two-way - I agree *but* I disagree with Hutopia that women do it more to men than the other way around. We know that historically and universally, that's not the case -- and its certainly not the case with Pukhtun families. Nonetheless, maybe I could do some ground research on this? Naaaa, that'd raise hell among Pukhtuns, esp Pukhtun men :p

    11. With women it's more often emotional abuse, eating away at male pride until there's nothing left - the sort of stuff that goes unnoticed but messes people up forever (and perhaps leads to domestic violence) - and you're right men would sooner die than allow you to do research on something like that (not least because you're a hindava yahudeii who corrupts children) - sorry I'm still laughing over that stuff XD

      About the kids, I'm sure they'll grow up one day and disobey their parents to talk to you ^_^ - (you can send a couple of cards to their parents inviting them to their children's Bar Mitzvah XD)

    12. LOL! I like that idea!
      I've actually considered holding secret meetings and book clubs for the young Pashtun girls in the community - :p I would give them a ride to and from! Let their and my parents find out and forbid life upon us ... :p naa, just kidding. Not secret book clubs; just meetings and gatherings about the problems we're facing and why and how to face them and how to help eliminate them. Ambitious things like that. Unlikely to happen.

    13. So glad you've touched on this topic. It's a worldwide issue for both men and women, but it's a fact that women are more struck with DV than men. Pashtun society may not be exclusive to this but it's certainly a major issue amongst Pashtun society. Anyone who differs is living in cloud cuckoo land.

    14. For sure - women are more struck with it than men are. It's not considered a problem in much of the world, including the Pashtun society, unfortunately, and the moment we do choose to focus on Pashtuns alone, we are misunderstood because it is assumed that we think it happens only with Pashtuns.

      Just because something happens all over the world with every community does not mean we shouldn't focus on just one community; neither does it mean we should let it be since it's a universal thing anyway -- everybody does it or goes through it witnesses it.

    15. hmm you take it as a problem of Pashtun women, I have never been in Pakistan or Afghanistan but i can write with full confidance..the above mentioned points are absolutely true to my knowledge.Here I would like to make it clear i have seen it so among elite..educated or rich families .Even in homes where women are financially independent. God knows why they accept it. God knows why they do not raise their voice against it. Women who accompany their husbands to clubs,have drinks with them even those women start to blame other women of their own families...& try to save abusive hubbies...
      May be this is inherent feminine characteristic.

    16. Thank you for your insight, Arvind!
      Hmm.... naaa, I don't think it's an inherent feminine characteristic, lol. The better way to look at it is perhaps to ask why so many women do that to other women rather than assume it's simply inherent (and hence natural!).

    17. If you want to talk about things being inherent to a certain gender - take a peek at this

      Remember that we men have over 10 times as much of this stuff coursing through our veins than women do at any given moment.


      "when prison staff members were asked to describe the five inmates who were lowest in testosterone. The three staff members used phrases like "very manipulative" and "sneaky," but all agreed the word "treacherous" best described the women."

      Which brings me back to what I was saying earlier - Women use emotional abuse to emasculate their partners, they get violence in return because some men are incapable of controlling their hormonal impulses when it comes to dealing with problems. Boys grow up getting into fist fights while girls grow up perfecting the art of emotional blackmail.

      (Again I would never hit a woman, it is a deplorable thing to do, I am not justifying any sort of abuse I am simply pointing to the kind of abuse that people frequently resort to - and linking it to the hormones that make us different)

    18. Great comment, POA! You know, I actually think that the way we interpret science is extremely biased, contrary to the claim that science is purely objective. Science itself may be objective, like everything else out there, but the way we read it and explain it and understand it is not.

      To teach, for example, that men get physically violent *because* of their incapability to control their hormonal impulses actually does, I insist, justify their violent behavior (I know you don't justify it in any way; I'm saying many people do, and it's because of our blaming hormones for it all). And it's precisely ideas like this that lead to a lot of people's thinking that violent women are just ... well, not normal, since they can't use the hormonal excuse.

      You (correctly) state that girls grow up a certain way (e.g., learning and practicing the art of blackmailing) while boys grow up another way (e.g., getting into fist fights, maybe also playing violent video games and enjoying violent/action movies more than girls), which I think is the actual cause of men's physical violence towards women and women's emotional/verbal violence towards men. Does this not suggest that our hormones can be manipulated, since our social upbringing plays a much stronger and more prominent role in it than our biological structures? I think they can be. If we started working on raising our boys and girls (and others) differently, for instance, there's a perfectly high chance that their hormones' functions may not be described the same way anymore.

      Fascinating stuff, man! Fascinating stuff!

    19. We're all human beings Qrratu - we are all responsible for our own actions and so no matter how much testosterone a guy has inside him - it's still his moral responsibility not to use violence against women.

      Successive studies have proven - in humans and in animals that testosterone is directly linked to violent and aggressive behavior. - It's quite an objective observation - you've seen males in the animal kingdom fight each other - all of that is down to testosterone. - (another such study)

      While it doesn't justify domestic abuse - it does help us understand why men are naturally predisposed to fight.

      Our hormones can be manipulated Qrratu but they still have quite a hold over us - a lot of women suffer from PMS once a month down to their hormones

      while some women will be able to ignore the symptoms and move on with their lives (hence on the surface it will look like nothing is happening) that doesn't mean it goes away. Similarly male aggression is savage and violent - just because men can control their aggression doesn't mean they are not naturally predisposed to be more aggressive - it just means they are capable of exercising self control.

      And since we're talking about men "growing up" a certain way - they grow up that way because they are naturally predisposed to - a man must learn how to defend himself, it's been like that since they were hunter gatherers. The modern metro-sexual man is denied this and so it expresses itself in other ways - in our 21st century society man is told that he must be ashamed of his own manhood. - Once upon a time a beard like this was the sign of a great intellectual. Now men must shave every day, LOADS OF THEM WAX as well.

      Men who enjoy violence in real life - say in a boxing ring / other contact sports are seen as savages. Violent video games are seen as bad influences (not as a release for all that pent up aggression - that may in fact prevent domestic violence).

    20. It really angers me that some Pashtun women still are so narrow minded, they have a sarayi way of thinking. Some of the men are also very sarayi. They are uneducated and often times that is why they think it's okay for them to abuse women: the lack of knowledge or education. I'm really glad I grew up in a family where the women's voice has much power over the mans. And everyone is treated equally, no matter what gender. It should be the job of these strong women to teach those who think they have no choice. It's very enlightening to know that there are young women like you who are helping those narrow minded women. Great job!

    21. HELLO to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who helped me. It has been hell from the day my husband left me, i am a woman with two kids, my problem started when the father of my kids travelled and after then i did not set my eyes on him again i tried calling his phone but he was not picking up my call after some weeks he called me telling me that he has found love some where else, at first i never knew he took it to be serious but the day after he came to the house to pick up his things that was the time i noticed that things are not the same as it used to be and i kept having hope that he will come back but things were going bad day by day and i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no hope so i gave up on him, a month later i met a man on the the internet a spell caster i never believed in this but i needed my man back so i told the spell caster my problem at first and he assured me that i will get him back but i had to do what he told me to do and after three days my husband called me telling me that he his coming home i still do not believe but as at the sixth day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to forgive him, from that day i was happy with my family thanks to the esango priest of (abamieghe)esango priest he his a great man you need to try him you can as well tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his contact email is this indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. remember his email is, and you can visist his website on


    Dare to opine :)

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