The DOs and DON'Ts of Raising Kids

I'm not a mother and I'm no expert on raising kids. But I’ve learned lotsa important things from raising Kashmala (she lives with me and my family) and, before her, her brother. (I have another nephew as well, who’s now 1.5, but I rarely get to see him, unfortunately.) Below are some of the things I’ve learned about children (e.g., things to do in front of kids, things not to do, etc.) from my own experiences, from a Psychology class I took a long time ago, from movies/books/tv shows (like Law & Order – SVU), and from the Internet. Many of us already know that kids are very observant, but we still tend to forget that they pick up things quite fast. Experimenting is normal for them, and so it’s not uncommon for a child to do something just to see what it will result in. In such moments, we tend to yell at them and/or punish them, make them realize that it’s wrong – but we don’t do the more important thing: explain WHY it’s wrong.

Lately, Kashmala has been asking me “why” every time I tell her something, even if it’s not about not doing something. She once asked me why people cry. And I gave an answer and she said, “Why?” And the “Why” went on and on and on and on … till she was distracted by something else.

My Interest in Islamic Studies - Part I: the beginning

Ever since I entered Islamic Studies, I have been having the hardest time with Muslims ever. And no one seems to understand completely--because they are not in my exact situation, because every Muslim who is pursuing Islamic Studies in the West has different experiences with it, because everyone practices and understands Islam differently, because everyone’s families are different, because everyone deals with the same situations differently. And few really understand what "Islamic Studies" means (I myself am still exploring this, so that's not to imply that I know and no one else knows), and there are many, many misconceptions about the field, as is the case with many other fields. I have therefore decided to discuss the matter here on my blog in an effort to dispel some of the misunderstandings and  to initiate a dialogue with those who cannot understand why a Pashtun Muslim female would be interested in Islamic Studies and strive to pursue it in the U.S.-- or anywhere in the West.

I thank you in advance for your readership! Please feel free to post any questions and express any feelings about it, even after I have finished with the series (a series of about three blog posts or so); you may pose your questions/comments anonymously if you'd feel more comfortable doing that.

This first blog post will be on how I got started. Part II will be on why I have decided to pursue Islamic Studies in the U.S. and not in any Muslim country like Pakistan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, etc. Although I do intend to study certain Islamic Studies courses in traditional Islamic institutions as well (e.g., Al-Azhar in Egypt or the Islamic University of Medina in Saudi Arabia), I have learned that a traditionally Islamic institution will not be the better option for me (again, to be explained in the next post). In Part III, I will discuss the consequences of my entering Islamic Studies, how my family/relatives/friends and many other Muslims have reacted to my decision, and how I continue to struggle with it as I explain to others what exactly I am doing and why and how either they simply refuse to understand or I am unable to explain it clearly. You see, when people ask me what I am studying and I tell them I'm doing Islamic Studies and Gender Studies, they ask why I would want to pursue Islamic Studies in the west (and many often even dare to claim to "know" my intentions). In the third post, then, I will share with my readers the struggles and consequences I continue to face, especially from Muslims who, even after I explain to them what I'm doing and why, don't seem to tire from asking, rather unpleasantly, "But why in America? Why not in Saudi Arabia?" or "What - you don't think Zakir Naik is the most brilliant, most knowledgeable Islamic scholar of our time????? You must not be studying the correct Islam, that's why." Or "WHAT?!! You mean you don't believe Shi's are not Muslims??? What kind of Islam are they teaching you?" And, my favorite one: "Are your teachers Muslims? ... Hey, do your female teachers wear hijab [cover their heads]?"
Yeah, that kinda stuff.

To put it very simply, I was aware of the consequences of my decision to pursue Islamic Studies when I decided to go for it in the beginning, but I was honestly not prepared for what it has come to: it's simply too difficult to understand myself let alone to explain to anyone else. I entered the field hoping to liberate myself intellectually and spiritually, but instead, I seem to have smothered myself.

Now, let us proceed.

Things to Do Before I Turn 30

So, a very common blog post is the list of things to do before one turns 30/40/50/etc. I'm about 5 years away from turning 30, inshaAllah, so I figured I should write a list of things I'd like to have done by the time I'm 30. If they don't happen, no worries - I'll do them later on, ka khairee. But hopefully, they'll all get done! Some of these things may seem very small and silly to many people, but that doesn't bother me. They're all important to me.

I'll add to the list as I remember more. Oh, and I decided not to number them so as not to overwhelm myself - haaa haaaaa.

They’re in no particular order. Just the order in which they came to my mind.

Regretted. Tortured. Empowered.

In my Sociology of Sex and Gender class in summer 2009, my teacher asked us to share some of the discriminations we have encountered as women, men, both, or neither. Although I was the second person to go, I asked if I could go last to see what the other students had to say or how they defined and experienced discrimination in 21^st century America.  As I listened to stories about males preferring “feminine” movies or cars to masculine ones and being judged for their preference and about females being considered “bitchy” for wanting to be leaders, and other similar stories, I was reminded of the burdens that the Pukhtun woman brings to her Pukhtun family and to her Pakistani/Pashtun society as a female. Consider the following.

The Haraam List

You read that correct. So real.

Some months ago, someone arrived on my blog looking for "list of things that are haraam in Islam," which I thought was an excellent idea for a blog post. Millions thanks to that person! God reward you for such creative thinking!

So the following are lists of some of the things that are forbidden/unacceptable/punishable/sinful according to at least one form of Islam (and there are as many forms of Islam as there are Muslims, who number about a billion).

Feel free to add more things. These lists are not comprehensive and never will be.

P.S. I love how the list for men is so much shorter than the list for women. I'm hurt.

You're haraam

P.P.S.  Just so y'all know, I'm not making these up and that these are real. I consider them problematic. As for finding "real" sources or whatever, not necessary because my intention isn't for Muslims to be better Muslims or anything like that. That's neither my job nor my interest. This is just for fun. Basically, it's a response to every single time some Muslim tells me, "OMG - that's haraaam, don't you know?" Here's your answer, losers.

Oh, and whatever you have doubts about, just google it up. So you'll know that none of these are made up. Chances are, there's some discussion on it already on some Muslim forum. OR just verify all of the following with "Islam-qa.com"! :) 

For women and men:

Talking too much
Cursing

Praying behind a woman

Not removing hair from certain body parts at least every 40 days…or every Thursday or every Friday (depending on which hadiths make the most sense to you)
Talking to the "opposite" gender (except immediate family members), unless absolutely necessary
Being alone with the "opposite" gender (except immediate family members), unless absolutely necessary
Masturbating
Lusting after the “opposite” gender
Being homosexual (gay, lesbian)
Being neither woman nor man, being queer
Wearing the clothes of the “opposite” gender
Chatting/talking to/with the opposite gender on the Internet
Eating any non-zabeeha/halaal meat (including in the West)
Eating shrimp and most other sea foods
Playing music
Listening to music
Indulging in any musical activities
Being Sunni (according to the non-Sunnis)
Being Shi' (according to the non-Shi's)
Being Ismaili (according to the non-Ismailis)
Being Ahmadi (according to the non-Ahmadis)
Being Wahhabi (according to the non-Wahhabis)
[... you get the point]
Being Christian
Being Jewish
Being Hindu
Being Confucianist
[... you get the point]
Smoking
Getting tattoos 
Putting a khaal (like the Afghans and some Middle Easterners do) on your forehead or anywhere on the face
Nationalism
Tribalism
Preferring your ethnicity to your religion (Islam)
Gossiping
Eating foods with gelatin
Eating with a spoon or fork (rather than with hands)
All forms of art
Taking photos, keeping photos in the home
Having a dog inside the home
Saying the word "khanzeer" (pig) [your prayers won't be accepted for 40 days afterwards]
Watching TV (unless it's some educational and Islamic program)
Doritos
Skittles
Starbursts
Vitamins/multivitamins
Being vegan and/or vegetarian (especially if you're a woman! Since you might upset your husband and in-laws)
Playing chess

For women only:

Not listening to or obeying your husband
Initiating a divorce for “small” reasons
Initiating a divorce. Period.
Not being grateful to your husband.
Not wanting to have children.
Marrying a non-Muslim man
Practicing polyandry (i.e., having more than one husband)
Having abortion
Wearing pants and shirts (because, DUH, these are male clothing)
Visiting your parents when your husband won’t let you--even if they are on their deathbeds
Leaving your house without your husband’s or father’s permission
Leading men in prayer
Interpreting/translating the Qur’an
Making your own decisions (when men obviously know better than you what’s good for you)
Getting married to someone without the permission of a father or another Muslim male guardian
Wearing tight clothes
Wearing the clothes (any clothes) or doing things (anything) that non-Muslims do (like dying your hair)
Wearing tight jeans
Wearing jeans. Period.
Wearing a see-through hijab 
Wearing a hijab that men find beautiful
Being a flight attendant
Not covering your face
Not covering your hair
Showing your cleavage, arms, neck, legs
Showing your curves
Wearing high heels in public
Wearing anklets and other jewelry in public
Wearing nail polish
Wearing perfume
Singing publicly (that is, in front of men who're not related to them)
Reciting the Qur'an publicly and beautifully for the public (the way men can and do)
Plucking/trimming/shaping your eyebrows
Not being well-groomed for your husband
Not being well-groomed. Period.
Wearing jeans
Wearing dresses
Wearing skirts
[...what're we supposed to wear, right?]
Opening/owning a bar

For men only:

Shaving your beard
Not praying at the mosque when you can (especially the Friday prayer)
Praying with your hems below your knee
Praying behind a woman
Wearing a tie
Wearing red, yellow, blue, and other “bright” colors, since those are feminine colors
Wearing jewelry other than wedding rings
Wearing silk
Not trimming your beard
Shaving with an electric shaver
Going to a barber
Spiking your hair
Wearing deep v-necks
Groom your chest hair
Wearing cologne
Not wearing cologne 

Things permitted to man but forbidden to woman


Leading both women and men in prayer
Having more than one spouse
Initiating a divorce by simply saying talaaq (“I divorce you” in Arabic) three times, no matter how small the reason
Marrying a Christian or a Jewish person
Leaving your house without the permission of your partner or father
Getting married without the permission of your (Muslim) father or any other male Muslim figure, like an Imam (community leader)
Reciting the Qur'an beautifully and melodiously (because men might get attracted to her voice)

Kashmala singing and telling spooky stories

Nothing -- and I mean nothing -- calms me down better than The Kashmala! Who cares about the stress that comes with school when I have her to look forward to seeing in a couple of days! Peace! Love! Happiness! Delight!

Enjoy :)